what do you do when your child says they don’t want to see you?
I divorced from my ex husband when my children were 3 and 1. He immediately got together with the woman he was cheating on me with and after a long (over 1 year) custody battle, he ended up winning custody. Not only because he told a ton of lies in court, but because he now had a two parent household and I had a single parent household.
My kids are now 10 and 12. I have every other weekend visitation and holidays. Lately they’ve been saying they don’t want to come see me, because they want to play with their friends and do all the fun things their dad and step mom tell them they missed out on when they’re with me. I try as hard as I can to make their time fun with me, but since I only have them 4 days a month, our time is obviously limited.
How do you handle it when your child tells you they don’t want to see you? I love my children with all my heart and I’m torn-do I make them stay because I love them and want to see them any time I can, or do I let them go?
I should point out- yes, there are lies told by the other side. I honestly don’t believe it’s from ym ex, but from the step mother. The kids have told me straight out that she’s said I didn’t have custody ebcause I didn’t want them, that SHE carried them in her stomach, etc. The oldest looks a lot like me and the step mom tries everything she can to change her appearance- cuts her hair, colors it blonde (her color) etc. She is also letting them get away with murder so I look like the "mean one" if I have rules. They also make a lot more money than I do, so I can’t buy boats and expensive cars and costly clothes. I don’t make pennies, but they’re spoiled over there and i can’t compete financially. Because they are with me only every other weekend, they don’t have those close friendships established with a lot of kids at my place. I’ve asked them if they wanted to invite any of their other friends over but they say no, I think they are embarrassed, most their friends don’t know I exist.
I do go out of my way every time I have them to ensure we do at least one fun activity- go to the movies, go to golfland, go bowling, play board games, baking, shopping, etc etc.
Also, they do have their own rooms with 25" tv’s, cd’s, movies, games, toys, video game systems, etc. I didn’t want it to seem like they are visitors in my home, even though it’s only every other weekend. I have repeatedly told them how my door is always and will always be open for them at any time.
Tagged with: appearance • boats • Buy Boats • clothes • custody battle • Dad • expensive cars • Frien • friendships • fun things • heart • Holidays • love • money • parent household • pennies • quot • Single Parent • step mom • step mother • stomach • weekend visitation • ym
Filed under: single parent holidays
I would suggest you call on your weekends and give them the option to join you for the weekend…if they say no, then yes, it will hurt, but don’t give up, make sure they know that you are available…when it is your weekend again, call and ask them…never miss, always make sure that they know that you want to spend time with them but are giving them the option…you can also write them letters and express to them that no matter what you will always love them…its hard, but you can’t force them to enjoy time with you, could be their father is filling their heads with lies and by you trying to fix those lies or undoing them it makes you seem guilty, let them come to realize on their own that you genuinely love them and want to spend time with them
GREAT- This will give you a golden opportunity to sign up to be my girlfriend for two weeks in December or January . Sorry all the 2 week bookings are filled up till then .
In CASE your kids decide that they want to see you , I will give you a day off. See ya baby .
BOSCO
whoop their ass and teach them respect
This is a tough question. I don’t think that 10 and 12 year olds should be allowed to say they don’t want to see you, but you don’t want them to be unhappy either. It would help if your ex husband made it easier for you. I hope it works out, but I don’t think I can tell you anything very helpful.
I would not take it personally. They sound like they are at the age where they are more interested in being with friends then their parents. Ask one of their friends parents if they can stay the night over at your house. Let the 10 year old have a friend on Friday, and the 12 year old on Saturday. That way you get to see both of them and have the attention of one while the other is playing with their friend.
i know it would be really hard to hear that, but i grew up in a divorced household… it sucks cuz its like i felt devoted to spend time with my other parent and i got NO time for my friends… so let them have their friends once in a while, i mean, im not saying every time, but its really probably nothing against you, but they’re in a stage in their life where friends are very important… tell them they can invite a friend over to your house or you can take them all to the mall or a amusement park, that way, youre compromising in a way… good luck, its a difficult situation..
My buddies son did that , so he just didn’t see him for about two months, he wouldn’t go by the house, take the kids phone call, anything. By the time he finally decided to see him again the kid was so grateful, and he’s never pulled that crap again.
Boy do I feel your pain. My daughter is in a similar situation. Her boyfriend of 11 years cheated on her, is with the girl and will not let my daughter rest. He has more money, so when he has my grandaughter he takes her for swim lessons, ice skate lessons, buys, buys, buys….My daughter doesn’t have that kind of money, and sadly that’s what impresses kids.
Thankfully a judge did grant them joint custody. I would insist the children stay with you. You are their mother and one day they will thank you. If you don’t, when they get older they’ll always through it in your face about "you didn’t really want us", you gave up to easy. Tell them, I know you want time with your friends, but there’s plenty of time when you’re with Dad". I’m your mom and I not only want to spend time with you, I deserve your time". Good luck and I’ll keep you in my prayers…
You make exceptions on the important stuff, and all the rest of the time make them come, like it or not. I have been in a similar situation, except I’m the step parent and the ex does that to us alot, but has gotten better with time.
Take them one at a time, then they can compare notes to see who had the most fun and decide who is telling them the truth. But seriously, your kids are of an age where they can decide for themselves where they want to go, whether you like it or not. There shouldn’t be a competition between the parents for the children. If you maintain a good solid relationship with your kids now they will see it and appreciate it later on in life.
This is very hard for any parent.
You must sit down with them and tell to their face that you love them and that no matter what has been said you will always love them, you have always loved them and you will always be their mother.
You can tell them that you can make them stay and that it would hurt them more or that they can go and hurt you even more.
Either way your going to have some pain to deal with and so are they.. they are old enough to hear how you feel – continue to tell them you love them and that it is hard for you to understand how they feel. Ask them about their feelings and realize they may say hurtful things – but what ever happens never stop loving them.
Don’t say bad things about your ex – ever, at least not to them.
Best of luck.
MJ
Wow sounds like me. My son is 12 and lives with his dad now and sometime she doesnt want to come, but he doesnt have a choice.Your kids may not want to come see you now because maybe your not as fun or maybe you have strict rules, whatever the case dont give them a choice. I was confused about this also and almost decided to just not pick him up anymore since he didnt want to come. But i thought about it long andf hard. It may not mean anything to them now but if they dont come than later when they grow up they will look back and remember that even though they didnt want to come and even though they were mean to you, you never gave up. Make them come anyways. When i filed child support on my sons father thats when him and his new wife (the one he cheated on me with as well) decided to file for custody. I was so scared i didnt have the money for an attorney and i was still a single mom moving from apt. to apt. Anyways to make a long story short i ended up winning my custody battle i guess because i was praying everyday. But when my son turned 11 he wanted to go live with his dad i let him go. Now i’ve had the time to date i am married now and have an 8 month old and the 12 year old. I want my son back with me and its hard but oh well, he wanted to go so i did’nt want to keep that from him. One of the mistakes i made was trying to get my son to like me and trying to please him all the time. Make yourself happy, as long as your kids are taken care of, and keep picking them up on the weekends they’ll appreciate it when they get older. Good luck.
Since you didn’t mention money as a problem but time,
and assuming that you have the room, how about letting each one let a friend stay over. That my change their mind. I wouldn’t force them to stay. They’ll want to see you eventually. And if it doesn’t work out, be upset, not angry.
I know exactly what you are going through. Except I got the daughter & he got the son and mine are teens. Just tonight I went 45 miles 1-Way, to get my son for MY weekend. He was at the grandparents. I pulled into the NEIGHBORS drive & the old bat called the police & said I was trespassing! My son came out of the house, indignant & telling me the cops are coming and I am NOT going with you EVER!
The cop told the old bat never call 911 for nothing, again. Then he told me I cannot force my 15 yr old & since there are already criminal charges pending on his dad for refusing my visits. I don’t need to go again, if he says he isn’t coming, I just call the cops & they add it to the pending charges.
They bribe my son with money, if he stays there. They go to places I can’t afford, they have no rules, eat out at every meal. All they don’t have yet is the Step Mom so his mother (the bat) steps in to talk shit about me and fill their heads with lies. Don’t give up on your kids. They need a Mom & all the X’s money can’t buy what you offer your kids.
Don’t let them make the choice. Let them know that you will always be there for them and that you love them and would love to see them. But I think you need to force them to come to you. They will believe it is true that you didn’t want them if you don’t keep getting them on your weekends. Instead of trying to make things fun for them. Make plans to do things – go places – the zoo, museums, etc. Give them the opportunity to make friends at your place, invite some of the kids that are their age over when they are visiting. Good Luck. It seems like you are going to have a long hard fight on your hands. But they might remember you for not trying to change them and for setting the rules.
OFFER TO TAKE THE KIDS TO THE ZOO OR SWIMMING
They may hate coming over to your house because they don’t feel welcome or maybe they are just bored. That’s how I felt when my parents got divorced and I was that age. My dad and step-mom didn’t have anything age appropriate for me to play with and I didn’t have any friends over there. Plus I had no area to myself either, no bed, room, or even a small area just for myself, nothing. My dad loved me and still loves me, I just don’t think he understood back then.
DON’T GIVE THEM ANY OPTIONS!!!! They are children. Any child would choose playtime over eating their green beans, right?? Yet we as parents have to make sure that they do the things that are beneficial to their health and development as well as allow for the fun.
By allowing your children to choose fun you in reality my be putting the exclamation point behind some of the things that your ex-husband’s wife has been saying about you. A child can not think as an adult and would not be able to see that you "gave" them something (their choice) instead they would see (because you stated that they are already being told such) that you didn’t care enough. They tend to forget what was going on at the time and what sticks out in their mind is that they haven’t seen you in forever. (You miss one of your weekends and that’s a whole month).
I understand your pain as an absent parent but please know that even custodial parents have to require quality time with their children (even at the expense of the child’s "fun") lest they find themselves living with children they don’t even know.
Don’t sweat trying to impress them, and definately don’t break your back trying to give them "another" material gift (sounds like they get a lot of material things from their dad). Instead give them something that dad and step-mom’s money could NEVER buy and even bankruptsy or the Federal Government could NEVER take away, a piece of yourself. It may feel like you have to push at first, and you may get your feelings hurt, but be strong and never give up. Spend time telling them about when they were younger, feelings you’ve had, the feelings you have for them now. But just remember to keep anything about their father or step-mother that might sound negative to them as taboo, off limits, you don’t have to make them feel as though they have to choose between you, reassure them that there is room in their lives for everyone.
Best Wishes and Good Luck to you!!