Should I let my son keep contacting his absent father?
I am the single parent of a 4 year old son who’s father lives across the country and hardly ever calls for birthdays holidays or just to see how he’s doing. My son leaves him messages and he never calls him back. Is it wrong of me to say no when my son asks me to dial his dad’s phone number? It angers me when my son shows more effort towards his adult father that his father does for his only child
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Tagged with: angers • birthdays • Dad • Holidays • only child • phone number • Single Parent
Filed under: single parent holidays
Having raised children under similar circumstances… I would say Yes allow him to continue to call if he asks. But at the same time engage him in activity’s with other "men", an uncle, a grandfather or even get him a "Big Brother" – it’s a Great organization that helps in such situations.
Check it out below on the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/Home.htm
MOST important remember you don’t need to "diss" his father… let him experience his Fathers behavior first hand and make a decision on his own over time.
My children told me that they were very thankful that I was able to allow them to decide feelings about their fathers behavior on their own. Worry About your actions and your behavior, just you being their will speak for itself.
If he asks about why tell him the truth about his father, but don’t make it seem like you "hate" him
In the future he may come around and you will want to have a good "parenting" relationship
Tell him you love him and that he is a great kid
Be a loving and supportive mother and provide him with a healthy place to live and grow
Also give him other examples of "good" men and fathers
That must be so hard on you both. I think you might have to step back on this one and let your son learn for himself what a schmuck his father is. If you forbid him to call, he will resent you instead. I’m sorry. I know you only want to protect him.
yes
I can’t really give you any good advice, just do what YOU think is right.
i commend you for your efforts though, that surely sucks that his father is like that!
If your son wants to make the effort it is not your place to stand in his way. He will learn in his own time.
let him dont be the one who tells your son how his dad is he will know by himself when hes older
if you tell your son "hes this way or that way" he’ll think of you as someone who dont want him to see his dad and he’ll think your the bad one that puts stuff in his head about his dad
just let him do what he does regarding his dad b/c a mother will not want to hurt their child in ANY WAY right?
i would still let him call, but he will learn his father is a no good person and should be left alone in his own little world! his father is a piece of trash who doesnt care about anybody. he probably got married and has other children to take care of. i wouldnt bring up the sunject of his father anymore.
well, i would explain to him that daddy is a dead beat and that he isnt going to call back becuase he is a jerk and seriously him not getting messages back is worse than him not calling
Don’t be overt about it, but when you find the opportunity to distract him, take it. Since he’s only 4, some of the times he asks you can probably find reasons to say "let’s do it a little later…" and get him interested in something else. You don’t need to say anything about your feelings concerning the father’s lack of involvement, but if you can gradually help your son to realize that his father is very distant, it could help him not focus too much on him & have unrealistic expectations. Hopefully there are other adult males in your life your son can look to for support. Best wishes.
I deal w/ this w/ my oldest son. Now he is 13 and still every once and a blue moon he will want to call, it always goes to the machine….It hurts him and me both. We had a chat about a year ago, I said what do you want to call him for?…I know sounds wrong, but I did. He said I just want him to know I am here.
Emotions there, yes.
But he knows what is up, they will not be able to blame it on I am busy for ever. His dad would send him a card for Christmas…not every one but a few, the last one 2 years ago said I’ve been so busy. My son said, No one can be that busy, at least I got a card, he must feel bad.
Now he isn’t worried with it, it has been a year since he’s even tried to call. His Father was replaced by someone who loves him and has encouraged him in the past to call when he feels like it.
In the long run, your son will see who is there for him….sadly, I know how you feel.
When I read your question I felt a lump in my throat for your son. As a father and a minister I find it hard to accept that some men just don’t care about their kids. I would go to one end of the world and back to the other for mine. I am an Ambassador for Promise Keepers and we tell men all the time that they need to step up and be men and that means taking care of your children, being a good father or daddy. Being a good husband and member of the community. It’s a shame that your ex-husband hasn’t had a dose of reality. I wish I could say let him keep calling his daddy but it’s hurting him deep down that his dad never calls him back. Send your ex a letter and tell him that if he don’t want to be part of your sons life allow you to terminate his parental rights and find a man who will accept your son as his son. Many good men out there would step up to the plate in a minute. God Bless.
you have ever right to be angry. Lust let your son not call as often. If you say no all the time it will make him mad. But if he calls everyday and never gets a call back, he’ll be mad. So really, this isn’t a yes or no question. Sorry.
Don’t tell him he can’t call his father. He is still very young right now. He will one day realize his father is a jerk. That is when he is going to need you the most.
I think that you should call that jerk of a "father" and tell him off and tell him that he needs to grow up and stop breaking YOUR son’s feelings. The sad thing is that your son is only 4 years old and he doesn’t understand what is going on. As a mother you have to try and protect your son at all cost. Even if when he wants to call him you give him an excuse and entertain him another way. But if the "father" doesn’t want anything to do with YOUR son now maybe it is better if you and your son forget about him for good. Cause it is going to be even worse because your son is going to feel rejected by a person who he believed should love him. Best of luck to you….But you NEED to step in and talk to the "father" mainly because #1- He is your son and you don’t want to see him in any type of pain. Also, #2- He is only 4 !!
let him call whenever he wants, no matter what a jerk, he is his dad
I would let him call, he’ll soon figure it out that his dad doesn’t care. I was raised by my dad and my step mother from and early age. Didn’t remember my mom at all. But one thing I can tell you is they NEVER said anything negitive about my mother (at least not in front of me or where I might over hear them). they always said she just couldn’t handle kids, came from abusive family and was afraid she would do it do us. endless excuses. I found out for myself in my teens. She wasn’t worth the gas to met her. But I have the most respect for my parents for not saying anything bad about her. My father said he was always afraid that she might come back into our lifes being miss wonderful and if he had painted a bad picture we might ended up hating him. I wish you luck with this very difficult situation.
Absolutely wrong to say no – in fact, you should encourage him to call. His father isn’t going to get involved again on his own or on your suggestion. And you WANT his father to be involved with him again.
I understand that it angers you – his father is the one preventing contact, and your son hurts for it. But anger, and you preventing your son from calling, will only make things worse, not better. Do whatever you can do to put them in regular contact again.
If you keep your son from trying to contact his father, your son will eventually turn it around on you – thinking if he was only allowed to call his Dad in the first place, maybe they’d have a real father – son relationship….
But if you allow your son to call when he asks (gently reminding him that you guys weren’t able to get a hold of him the last time, so maybe he should think of what to say if the answering machine comes on, just so he’s a little prepared), He’ll see you doing what you can to encourage their relationship, rather than keep them apart.
Its only natural for him to want to know his father and you shouldn’t encourage your son to repress those feelings. When the deadbeat dad doesn’t answer, ask you son if he wants to draw a picture or write a letter just for him.
Encourage your boy to express what he’s feeling so he doesn’t get any pent up anger built up over the agonizing feelings he must be going through. Tell him what he writes/draws will be between only him and his dad, and then seriously give him his privacy. He should be able to (even encouraged) express his feelings on the matter… even if the envelope gets mailed out, only to be returned back to him.
At least your son will have had the opportunity to vent is love, anger or frustrations for his father and at the same time he’ll know that you aren’t trying to keep him from someone he so desperately craves to be a part of his life.
You never know, maybe the father will get your sons drawing and it’ll affect him enough to try and be a better man… if not, at least your son will know you both tried and it is just out of your control.