did my husband do the right thing by defending me to his parents?
i have been together with my husband for 30 years this upcoming fall. we will be married for 23 years this summer. for 30 years now i have never lived up to the expectations or standards of my in-laws. we have had a relationship of "tolerance" for 30 years. my in-laws did not want my husband to marry me, and here we are 23 years later.
we never had children, but adopted a baby from my sister 10 years ago when she realized that she could not raise a child on her own. unfortunately, my sister suddenly passed away 6 years ago. we love our daughter with all our hearts and really, really love each other very much too.
at our wedding, my mother-in-law boldly stated on our wedding tape (and in front of our guests) that she would like a "refund" when this thing (our marriage) does not work out. that’s how our marriage started.
it hasn’t always been bad, sometimes it’s been great, but my relationship with my in-laws has always been "like walking on eggshells" on both sides (theirs and mine). i’m a pretty easy-going person, but sometimes quite a "loner" (meaning i kinda like to be alone).
my husband is irish and i am italian — he’s not a drinker, but i used to have a bad temper. my father-in-law is an alcoholic, so that doesn’t help matters at all. being italian means family, family, family. i am the oldest of 6 children and our whole family always lived in the same state, so we always got to see each other all the time — holidays, birthdays, whatever — italians live for family!
unfortunately, my parents moved to another state 2,000 miles away right after my wedding. basically, i was left here to start my marriage without my parents love and support and just plain always being around. my sisters were still here, so i was able to see them often, but it wasn’t the same as when we all lived in the same state. holidays were a nightmare for me — my in-laws thought that i should always be happy and cheery around them, but i was still missing my parents and just trying to fit in with my husband’s family now. so there’s some background …
this past summer we were visiting my in-laws and my mother-in-law got angry at me and physically pushed me in anger with both of her hands on my chest (all the while she was yelling at me too). neither one of us has ever used physical force against each other, so i was quite shocked that she became that angry over something i had said. my husband was not watching or listening and the only witnesses are her and i.
long story short, i told my husband what had happened and he told his mother what i had said when she asked him the next day, "so, what’s wrong with HER today?" even after he told his mother what was bothering me and what i said happened, she still did not confront me or apologize to me.
i gave her 36-hours for an apology, and it never came. when we were ready to leave to head back home (we live in another state — thank goodness) i had some strong words with my mother-in-law. it was the first time in almost 30 years that i stood up for myself to her/them. my father-in-law lost his temper and told me, "get the h— out of here" and told his son (my husband) to get me the h— out of there too. this happened in august, 2008. since then, my mother in-law has flatly denied ever pushing me and are trying to make me look like a liar.
in october, 2008 they proudly told their son that they "never want to speak to me or see me again", but hope that they can still have a relationship with him and our daughter. his mother sent xmas cards and gifts to my husband and daughter at my husband’s office, making sure that my name was intentionally left out on the cards and gifts.
that was the last straw for my husband. he wrote a 17-page letter to his parents about all the specific times we/me had to put up with their bullying and disrespect going as far back as our wedding day. we should have dealt with each incident as it happened, but looking back now has taught me that we gave them "more and more power" every time we let them run over us. we taught them that we are their "doormats" (more or less) and this is one more incident that we have to take from them.
my husband believes in me and our family and loves us (my daughter and i) both very much, but can’t believe what has happened with his parents. he has always been very close to them and has always visited them every year (with or without us).
his mother has "recruited" other members of the family (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, uncles, etc.) to side with her/them over this matter. we felt that this was a private matter between his parents and us and did not involve other family members.
what we have heard recently is that his parents are going to "totally disown him" now too over this matter. what kind of parents or people do that to their own children? what kind of lesson are these people trying to teach? and how do we explain to our daughter what has happened?
i can’t even begin to tell my husband how sorry i am for all that has happened and never thought that this would be the end of his relationship with his parents. he still stands by my side and continues to tell me that he will take what ever "punishment" they are willing to dish out. is he doing the right thing?
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Tagged with: 10 years • 23 years • 6 years • bad temper • birthdays • drinker • hearts • italians • marriage • mother in law • nightmare • Parents • relationship • state holidays • tolerance • wedding tape
Filed under: single parent support
In short..YES he is doing the right thing and by not accepting you for so many years they had already disowned him….Keep loving each other and remain steadfast…if they haven’t learned the first five years that you were for real then you certainly don’t need to try to prove that now…..oh and congratulations ..30 years is a long time!…even a blind person could see that you two love each other by now.
Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Love and Blessings
yess he is doing the right thing.
he loves you and his parents dont respect that.
Considering the circumstances, I agree with your husband. As a matter of fact this action is long overdue.
It is a sad situation, but you, your husband, and children are your own "family" and should act as such, and if the in-laws are too ignorant, intolerant, and self-centered to understand and accept that [obviously so], then the problem is not you and your husband, but them.
Wow…let me first just say I can’t believe your mother-in-law shoved you! That’s unfortunate your in laws are acting how they are and to deny everything like it never happend? And to recruit family members? Thats obsurd! And to intentionally leave your name off the card? That’s just mean. And to answer your question your husband totally did the right thing. Must have been hard to do but with the situation given what else is there to do? Wow you have a really great man know wonder you guys are married for 23 years! I’m 20 years old I hope to have that kind of relationship with a love of my life someday. Cheers to you and good luck!
Yes. Your husband is doing the right thing. He is standing by you and that is really important. Families are hard and situations like this are difficult and hard to live through, but live through them you will and in the long run it is good that the truth is out and maybe this is the beginning of clearing the air. From now on let your husband deal with anything to do with his parents. The reason for this is because of ‘prior relationship’ – because he is their son and raised him he needs to be the first contact (as if it is you anything can be turned against you), and let him hold firm ground so they will learn to not disrespect his wife. Next christmas make plans to go to your parents so your daughter will not miss out on the family fun. If your husbands parents continue sending gifts to him and your daughter maybe it would be best for him to return then and say that their are 3 people in his family, not two. Be proud of your husband for standing up for you and support him. Keep in contact with your sisters for support and maybe with time (and his parents realising they could be loosing their son) they will see a bit of reason. Good Luck!!
He absolutely did the right thing, and don’t you dare feel one second of guilt over this! His mother chose to act like an idiot. His family has been choosing to act like idiots for HOW many years now??? By openly disrespecting you the way they’ve been, they’ve been disrespecting him as well. They’ve disrespected HIS choice of a life partner, HIS way of life. And I’m sorry but his mother is an immature, lying brat. I’m surprised that his other family members haven’t figured out how she is by now.
I hope that in his letter, he included that they have NEVER made a reasonable attepmt at including you in the family, accepting you or your relationship with him and have always gone completely out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. And you two haven’t been enabling them, either. Believe me, they were aware of it each and every time they did something ugly to you, and if they’re reacting like this now then they surely would have thrown their little tantrums then, too.
The "lesson" that they are trying to teach is that they can control your husband’s life, and if they can’t control it directly by bullying and intimidation, then they’ll control it by now allowing him to have "his family" anymore. That’s what they’re trying to "teach".
I think that you should just be honest with your daughter. Tell her the truth, objectively. You don’t have to make it look like you’re trying to turn her against them, but you don’t have to make them look like angels, either. Tell them that they’ve been ugly towards you and your husband for a long time now, and that you’ve finally had enough. Tell them that you’ve made an honest effort for years to get them to accept that you are married to their son, but they won’t. Also, as far as letting them have a relationship with your daughter…I wouldn’t do it. I would tell them frankly, "You’re spreading lies about me to the rest of your family. I won’t have you trying to turn my own child against me too." You have that right.
Good luck!
Yes he is suppose to stand by your side if you telling thangs right.
I would just stay away from them and don’t have anything to do with them. Let your husband do what ever he wants to do but he is suppose to def ind you if you are telling him the truth about every thang. just don’t tell him stuff that is not so. Good luck
When you marry you no longer live with your parents and you have a new family. New husband new wife. You two are to make a life for yourselves and they should be very glad if you include them in it. Your in-laws are totally wrong in the way they have treated you and you have a wonderful husband who will not put up with anyone treating his wife and daughter without dignity. He is a good man. I hope that your in-laws realize what they have lost because they are very wrong and owe you and your husband an apology. Your husband did the right thing. No question.