i have been together with my husband for 30 years this upcoming fall. we will be married for 23 years this summer. for 30 years now i have never lived up to the expectations or standards of my in-laws. we have had a relationship of "tolerance" for 30 years. my in-laws did not want my husband to marry me, and here we are 23 years later.
we never had children, but adopted a baby from my sister 10 years ago when she realized that she could not raise a child on her own. unfortunately, my sister suddenly passed away 6 years ago. we love our daughter with all our hearts and really, really love each other very much too.
at our wedding, my mother-in-law boldly stated on our wedding tape (and in front of our guests) that she would like a "refund" when this thing (our marriage) does not work out. that’s how our marriage started.
it hasn’t always been bad, sometimes it’s been great, but my relationship with my in-laws has always been "like walking on eggshells" on both sides (theirs and mine). i’m a pretty easy-going person, but sometimes quite a "loner" (meaning i kinda like to be alone).
my husband is irish and i am italian — he’s not a drinker, but i used to have a bad temper. my father-in-law is an alcoholic, so that doesn’t help matters at all. being italian means family, family, family. i am the oldest of 6 children and our whole family always lived in the same state, so we always got to see each other all the time — holidays, birthdays, whatever — italians live for family!
unfortunately, my parents moved to another state 2,000 miles away right after my wedding. basically, i was left here to start my marriage without my parents love and support and just plain always being around. my sisters were still here, so i was able to see them often, but it wasn’t the same as when we all lived in the same state. holidays were a nightmare for me — my in-laws thought that i should always be happy and cheery around them, but i was still missing my parents and just trying to fit in with my husband’s family now. so there’s some background …
this past summer we were visiting my in-laws and my mother-in-law got angry at me and physically pushed me in anger with both of her hands on my chest (all the while she was yelling at me too). neither one of us has ever used physical force against each other, so i was quite shocked that she became that angry over something i had said. my husband was not watching or listening and the only witnesses are her and i.
long story short, i told my husband what had happened and he told his mother what i had said when she asked him the next day, "so, what’s wrong with HER today?" even after he told his mother what was bothering me and what i said happened, she still did not confront me or apologize to me.
i gave her 36-hours for an apology, and it never came. when we were ready to leave to head back home (we live in another state — thank goodness) i had some strong words with my mother-in-law. it was the first time in almost 30 years that i stood up for myself to her/them. my father-in-law lost his temper and told me, "get the h— out of here" and told his son (my husband) to get me the h— out of there too. this happened in august, 2008. since then, my mother in-law has flatly denied ever pushing me and are trying to make me look like a liar.
in october, 2008 they proudly told their son that they "never want to speak to me or see me again", but hope that they can still have a relationship with him and our daughter. his mother sent xmas cards and gifts to my husband and daughter at my husband’s office, making sure that my name was intentionally left out on the cards and gifts.
that was the last straw for my husband. he wrote a 17-page letter to his parents about all the specific times we/me had to put up with their bullying and disrespect going as far back as our wedding day. we should have dealt with each incident as it happened, but looking back now has taught me that we gave them "more and more power" every time we let them run over us. we taught them that we are their "doormats" (more or less) and this is one more incident that we have to take from them.
my husband believes in me and our family and loves us (my daughter and i) both very much, but can’t believe what has happened with his parents. he has always been very close to them and has always visited them every year (with or without us).
his mother has "recruited" other members of the family (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, uncles, etc.) to side with her/them over this matter. we felt that this was a private matter between his parents and us and did not involve other family members.
what we have heard recently is that his parents are going to "totally disown him" now too over this matter. what kind of parents or people do that to their own children? what kind of lesson are these people trying to teach? and how do we explain to our daughter what has happened?
i can’t even begin to tell my husband how sorry i am for all that has happened and never thought that this would be the end of his relationship with his parents. he still stands by my side and continues to tell me that he will take what ever "punishment" they are willing to dish out. is he doing the right thing?
